Posted by: syncopated1 | June 29, 2011

Potentially

I have recently learned that my dreams and ambitions are once again thwarted only by a lack of money, which is constrained by my responsibilities and mistakes of my past. After getting over the initial frustration of understanding this, it’s an interesting viewing point to be sitting in and looking out from. On the one hand, I look forward and know where I’m headed and the paths I can choose to get me there, some faster with somewhat more risk, others slower, surer.  And at the same time I can look backwards and see each and every choice that set me here where I am today.

At times I catch myself saying, “If only I had done this differently…” Well the fact of the matter is that I didn’t. But, because I didn’t and the awareness of how those choices are now binding me today I can look forward and see similar junctures approaching in my life and I can amend my decision making process accordingly.

The reason I am so aware of this now is because for the first time in my life I have somewhat of a vision of where I want to be and be doing in 5 or more years. (I say vision because I feel it allows me a certain amount of flexibility and space to change, a plan is too concrete.) With the choices I have made I am moving toward that vision slowly, very slowly,  but moving toward it nonetheless. I think there are things I can do to speed the journey up, but I’m not sure that I’m ready to be done dreaming yet. I feel as though there is a cork in the bottle of my energy and it is building, and building, and building. And sometime in the next three to five years it is going to pop off and amazing things are going to start happening. But for now I live happily, simply, and restrained. (Yes dear friends, this is me as a restrained individual).

And I dream.

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