Posted by: syncopated1 | November 8, 2011

Following my own advice.

For last several weeks, possibly even the last couple months my mind has been anything but right. I have sat down here to scratch out some words, exercise my writing skills and nothing has materialized. Not even drafts. Not for a lack of material, definitely not that. For much of the last year I have been taking mental adventures with a close friend to not only get my mind right, but to get my mind right out there and see the world in color as he puts it.  Somewhat unfortunately, however, the deeper down the rabbit hole I go, the less right my mind feels.

Even now, I’m simply trying to find words to express how I’ve been feeling lately, and I can’t. At all. It’s incredibly frustrating for me to not find an appropriate medium to share my thoughts and feelings. The only other time I felt like this was my self imposed “stoic phase” from my youth I mentioned in an earlier post, but like I said, that was self imposed and therefore self alleviated.

As this post begins to take a sad sounding turn, let’s be clear: I am still very happy. I have found much strength in learning how to stay clear, and present in the things that I do. Despite mistakes every so often my skills in my chosen trade continue to improve. I build solid and honest friendships every week, and I find lots of time to play and exercise which brings me continual joy.

But at the heart of what I find to be troubling is that in the process of learning to stay present in all that I do I may have gone too far. When I am home, alone, I am also present in the solitude of my thoughts. I spend lots of time quietly examining the contents of myself, and I find I get lost in there. I used to write every few days, after “fully considering” an idea and finding the right manner to express it. Now I can never seem to finish examining my thoughts, and exploring my ideas. I’m unwilling to publish unfinished thoughts anymore, but consequently I am finding it increasingly more difficult to write. This blog is supposed to be my space to live and write and speak in, but I am also aware that it is public; and I’ve learned the hard lesson of saying something versus having something to say.

Never fear dear readers, I’m learning another hard lesson about understanding false dichotomies. Just because I can’t express the ideas I want to write about, doesn’t mean I can’t find things to write about or post. I am also going to have to learn to discipline myself in both thought and craft I suppose.

(With any luck, and lots of work, this is the closest to an “diary” post as this blog will ever see. Thank you for your indulgence.)


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