Posted by: syncopated1 | May 16, 2012

Exorcising the Ghost of Chandler Bing

To Whom it May Concern,

It is my sincere regret to inform you that we are unable to fulfill your request for a Grand, Sweeping, and/or Over the Top, Romantic Gesture at this time.

Following a steady inundation of dissatisfied customers (despite our clear labeling, instructions, and warnings as per the Department for Health and Human Services regulations), we felt it necessary to issue a full recall of these products and to discontinue them until further notice. As such time allows for thorough research into creating a niche based market to more appropriately and effectively apply our “Gestures” product line successfully, we will once again offer these in our catalog of other Exemplary services.

We express heartfelt gratitude that you approached us for our services. We are very cognizant that, at one time, we were the industry leader in Game-Changing Romantic Gestures. At this time, we feel that this sector of our services no longer represents the goals we set out to achieve as a service based company.

As a matter of market trends, and a mission to deliver superb service to as diverse a market as possible, we attempted to smoothly merge into the businesses of Genuine Friendship, Reliability, and Trustworthiness. Our quarterly reports (which are a matter of public record) will show that we managed this to great success: for the most part we have grown steadily as a company by a margin of 25% a year for the last 4.

Our analysts show us that the flood of work related to rejected Gestures requests has hindered this growth by at least 5% each year. We now feel it is time publicly declare that we can no longer be relied upon for such services at key points such as “‘We Need to Talk’, ‘Before You Go, You Should Know’, ‘Where Do We Go From Here?’ or ‘Because I Love You!'” moments.

Again, in the interest of successful continued growth our own operations, we wish to sincerely say that we are sorry we cannot help you at this time. Please seek other companies for such services as best you can, and with our best wishes.


The Exemplary Man Department


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